i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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