dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
