if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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