You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
