Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
