New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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