Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
