I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
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Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
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I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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