APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
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You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
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He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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