I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
