I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
