Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
