Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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