My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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