My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i now understand why vodka
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
