just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
