i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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