The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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