I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize