booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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