ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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