my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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