i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
