It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
