Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
