I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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