WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
