Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
