this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
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