Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
