no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
