Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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