I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
