Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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