Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
