Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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