"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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