I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The dick lei will go down in squad history
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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