I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
