Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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