ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
