The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
