I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
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He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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