My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
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You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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