batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
