I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
