I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
