Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
