Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
