The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
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You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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