I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
