All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Someone signed my nipple.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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