i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
