I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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